Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
