i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
