Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
