hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
