you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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