The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
