So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
