Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
