I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
