I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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