He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
