How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
