how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
