its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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