I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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