Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
