She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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