Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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