Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
