i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my sisters under your porch take her home
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
