I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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