I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
