Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
