i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
