Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
