you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
