i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm always down for nudity.
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