I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
