My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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