If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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