I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
