I'm lost and stupid without you.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
