You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
