She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The beer is more important than you right now.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
