my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm just crazy horny about you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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