I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
