Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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