you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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