Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
