Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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