Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
