im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
