Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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