whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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