Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
