I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize