I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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