Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
