Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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