the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
