shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
