I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
