3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize