Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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