I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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