I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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