Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Randomize
