I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
