Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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