The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize