right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
