I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
