I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
