Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
